[FEATURE] Happy New Year From Sony To All Our Worker Bees!
In the spirit of the new year, we here at The Game Rag want to take time to recognize all the glorious people working in the game industry. These individuals manufacture products both wondrous (Bioware) and obscene (anything not made by Bioware). Though we sometimes go to great lengths to deride these people and their products, we must still recognize that they are human beings, people like you and me. And as this following bit of prose demonstrates, they are susceptible to the same bouts of dementia we all go through during the holidays. What follows is a holiday newsletter recovered from Sony's offices in New York City. Cheers.
Happy New Year from Sony to all our worker bees!
Tick-tock, tick-tock, every passing second brings my finger closer to the trigger. The weight of the Colt 1911 is heavy in my hands, its weight betraying its simplicity. Admiring its cold, simple design, I can imagine it began life crawling off some random assembly line, fit and lean, only to receive countless after market modifications until its supple frame is heavy and bloated with woefully unneeded additions and extra features. Much like an EA Sports franchise …
My name is Ken Kutaragi, and I used to own this f*cking company. I don't have much time to talk, I procured this PC from my former secretary Kathy. I told her I needed to check my MySpace real quick, but that was 15 minutes ago and she's not going to believe I'm checking out my friend Jess' new layout forever …
I'm supposed to be clearing out my desk right now, but I can't leave, not until I've left my mark. I carried this company on my back for years. I raised its revenue and stock value and was witness to the birth of some of the company's most lasting products and they think they can kick my ass to the curb?
I mean, who are they to fire me? I mean Christ … they say I have little to no charisma and am alienating all our partners and customers. Yeah, and I'm sure Kaz Hirai is a f*cking saint. No charisma, HA! I've got charisma coming out of my ass! I mean, if my charisma were represented by a penis, it would be like ten feet long.
I wish I could properly lament my demise, but there's no time. I must right the wrongs, I must fix so much but there's no time. I can hear them looking for me. They sniff for my trail like bloodhounds but I will not be silenced, not until my work is complete. Before I end my existence, I must confess that I have killed people. Mark over in accounting recently clued me in to the fact that Kojima-san is publicly contemplating taking his Metal Gear franchise over to Microsoft's Xbox 360 platform. He has been dealt with … and by he I mean both Kojima and Mark. Son of a bitch thinks he can switch sides all of a sudden? Think again dough boy … I speak of course about Kojima, not Mark. Plus, he totally used to eat my sandwiches whenever I'd leave them in the fridge in our staff room, even though they clearly had my name on them … the jerk (Mark, not Kojima).
Hell, I was aware Kojima was considering jumping ship for a while now, but did the big wigs here at Sony let me work. Hell no. I was ready to off him after that bastardized and pathetic thing he called an "ending" to Metal Gear 2: Sons of Liberty. But its these business politics, always dragging a man down. And they even blame me for chasing away all the exclusive titles for the Playstation 3, just because I wanted every developer at Ubisoft to sacrifice their first-born child for the right to release Assassin's Creed on the PS3. I mean, if they can't show that kind of dedication to their own work, how do they expect anyone else to?
Any jack-off can make a game, but to deliver it on the Playstation platform, you've got to show dedication. You've got to want it. You've got to strangle a hooker with your bare hands. In front of your employers. And a camera crew. They thought I was joking when I suggested it at our first staff meeting, but that's how we do things in Tokyo, dammit, so I say stick with what works.
I am quickly running out of time, the new year approaches, descending on me like a rabid donkey. I can feel the sands of time slipping through my fingers … and my former secretary Kathy has just informed me that it is currently January 5, meaning I have missed the deadline by a little over a hundred hours … That's the last time I go out partying with Itagaki.
F*ck it. They are outside the door now, they are trying to break it down but they are too late. I need only to say goodbye and then click the send button and this company's horrible secrets will be revealed to all. I doubt there are enough bullets in this gun for all of them, so I will save the last for myself. I will soon retire to that big CEO office in the sky. I'm coming home mom. Farewell to all, and happy new year you mindless automatons. Excelsior.
Much love,
Ken "Shoryuken" Kutaragi