[FEATURE] Source Material
According to esteemed scientist, Dr. Avery Orden of the John Hopkins Institute, the ratio of video game commercial tie-ins to terrorists is 1:1. Taking into account the large amount of video games we find based on movies, books, and even music, it is easy to discern one of two things:
1) The U.S. has lost the war on terror.
2) Terrorists don’t know how to make video games.
The vast majority of video games based upon popular franchises are abysmal. If the game is surprisingly well made (GoldenEye, Spider-Man 2) then terrorist involvement was undoubtedly not influential on the project. It is such titles as Friday the 13th (NES), The X-Files: Resist or Serve (PS2), and Superman 64 (N64) that truly spread terror. What is the common reason these titles suffer?
A complete lack of respect for the source material on which it is based.
I don’t remember the last time Jason Voorhees teamed up with a legion of zombies and failed to kill numerous camp counselors, nor do I recall Agent Mulder shooting so many enemies in an episode of the X-Files. And I certainly don’t remember a time in which Superman ever took damage from a bullet.
There are three major reasons terrorists cannot produce quality video game titles:
1) Terrorists don’t know America and, as such, don’t know anything about the rights to the franchises they scored through obscure weapons deals.
2) Terrorists feel that video games are so inferior to other forms of entertainment that they must spice things up with five times the action featuring robotic enemies.
3) They smell.
Terrorists have struck again with the upcoming release, Pillman of Youth, which is based upon the popular Pillsbury Doughboy. This time he’s a rogue pill popper who hides all sorts of drugs in freshly baked bread before smuggling it across intergalactic borders. The developer, Buena Vista, didn’t go so far as to turn the doughboy (now doughman I suppose?) into a gangster ala GTA, but he is comprised of fully prepared bread pieces. The doughboy we know is clearly not yet baked and, what’s more, is a blob of dough, not different pieces of bread put together. The lack of care when handling the Pillsbury Doughboy’s transition into Pillman of Youth is a clear sign that none of the license was on the developer’s mind when the game’s story and gameplay was set in place.
As previously stated, Pillman bakes bread and hides drugs in them to smuggle across borders. However, even this extremely loose connection to the original license has been made completely worthless by the fact that this bit of gameplay is no more than a minigame. That’s right, Pillman of Youth is an open-ended sci-fi adventure with lots of robot enemies between you and the people of Yeast, whom have been oppressed for so long.
This is a simple truth that must be faced if we are to overcome it. Terrorists have been ignoring the source material for all of their endeavors for centuries. The Bible, the Koran, motion pictures . . . it’s all the same to terrorists. Video games based off of popular licenses will continue to fail unless gamers everywhere do something about it. Educate your parents or little siblings who don’t know any better. That Superman game will stab you in the back if you buy it and fear will spread forth anew.
Truly video games based off of popular licenses will continue to fail. Suitable only for casual gamers and foolish parents hoping to gain popularity with their children, these games prove something about this world. It’s not a point that people are stupid, or that terrorists suck at developing video games. No, the point is that casual gamers support terrorists.