the game rag

Dear Sir,

I recently attended the National Symphony Orchestra’s performance of “Play: A Videogame Symphony.” Of course you already know this, as you are the overinflated jerk who had me escorted off the premises. I feel behooved at this juncture to perhaps explain my behavior on the night in question. You see, ‘Play’ purports itself to be a symphony of video game music, however I say it is more of a crap-phony of crap. The selection of music your orchestra selected was simply awful. I wasn’t the only one who noticed it either, I assure you. You are dealing with Gamers here, sir, and gamers are not the types to be made fools of. Let’s look at some of the songs in question, shall we? Sure, you played Mario, big shock, and some Sonic the Hedgehog, but the true gamers want the GOOD music. Songs from games they grew up with, like Boogerman, Bionic Commando, and Charles Barkley’s Shut Up and Jam! While the NSO was playing their seventeenth Final Fantasy song of the night, I know I was with the entire audience while I hankered for some music from Sunset Riders. However, unlike the audience, I was prepared to act. To incite some action and get some answers. Yes, I had consumed some alcohol - an entire cooler of Red Stripe beer - but that does not mean I was a ‘drunken asshole’ as you said, sir. Not in the least. I am nothing but a gamer with a voice and a stack of throwin’ bottles. However I feel now is not the time to replay the events of that fateful night, but time to redress some issues I had with you hereto forthwith. I shall point at them with bullets for your convenience.

-When I asked the NSO if they “Thought they [were] better than me,” that was a rhetorical question. I did not expect an answer from them, and I certainly did not appreciate the answer from you, mister smarty-pants.

-I did not loudly and constantly allege that there was no such game as Metal Gear Solid because I had consumed an entire cooler of Red Stripe beer, I loudly and constantly alleged that there was no such game as Metal Gear Solid because there IS no such game, sir. Just look at the title, I mean they didn’t even TRY to make up a believable sounding name! What’s solid, the metal? The Gear? Nice try, sir.

-My friends were not embarrassed at my behavior, but just astonished at the terrible song selection. That’s why they were hiding their heads, not ‘to avoid being associated with a loud, drunken deadbeat like me.’ I think YOU are the deadbeat, sir. Why do you keep picking on me and hitting me with things?

-I did not ‘Rush the Stage’ to steal NSO property, as you kept screaming at me after you maced me. The third chair violinist had been making eyes at me all night and I thought I had a chance. It’s not like she can’t get another bow. I still think you made too big a deal out of that one.

Yoda shows off my souvineer

-I don’t know who you are trying to fool, but I know for a fact the only music in Halo was the sound of a man named Blind Pete tying his shoes with guitar strings. I know because I was there, mister.

-I do not see why everyone got so upset when I tried to get the D.K. Rap going. I realize it is not ‘the wave’, but everyone knows the words, and no one was listening to Aeris’ theme anyway!

-You said I’m not welcome at Wolf Trap any more? Well YOU sir are not welcome at my bi-annual Boogerman themed Bar B-Q (A.K.A. the Boogerman Baked Beans & Brat Burn)! And you know what else, sir? You won’t be missed!

Honestly sir, I don’t blame you for taking me out of there. In fact I should thank you. I went home and fell asleep listening to an oc-remix of music from Shaq-Fu. And that was much better than listening to a half-assed symphony play through music from Battlefield 2. The Play concert should be less about the mainstream and more about the niche gamer who will just stay home and download music anyway. Until such a change is made, there will be more like me, proud patriots who drink an amazing amount of alcohol and proceed to make asses of themselves in a public forum. In closing sir, I think you should play some GTA or maybe street fighter. It might decrease the violence you feel is appropriate in your day-to-day life.

Peace, sir.